Do you know another good lottery gag? Contact Customer Support and you might find your favourite jokes published here in the future. Watch this space for more jokes… (to be continued)
Here’s a sample of some of the funniest lottery jokes we’ve heard.
Pack Your Bags
My wife once asked me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”, to which I replied, “But of course, honey. I’d really miss you, but I’d still love you.” (a joke by Irish comedian Frank Carson)
Heard this conversation at my local bank recently…
A grumpy old guy jumps the line and goes to the teller. He shouts at the cashier, “Open me a damn checking account woman!”
The astonished clerk replies, “I’m sorry, sir… I seem to have misunderstood what you’re saying?”
“So listen! I said I wanna open a damn account. Right now!”
The cashier whispers, “Sorry, sir, but could you please not use that kind of language in the bank. I’m gonna get my manager.”
So the cashier goes over to her superior to tell him about what just happened. Her manager calms her down, steps up to the window and asks the man,
“Sir, Conny here just told me you wanted to open an account, but that there’s some kind of trouble. What is the problem exactly, sir?”
“Look, there’s no friggin problem, dammit! Just open me a damn account in your damn bank so I can deposit this $270 million I just won in the damn Powerball lottery!”
“No problem, sir. And this damn woman was giving you a hard time?”
Your Boss Hates You
Andy works at a large call centre in Sydney, Australia. At the annual New Year’s do, he decides to pull a practical lottery joke on his boss. When the boss is in the loo, Andy quickly finds his boss’s wallet and jots down his Australian Powerball lottery ticket numbers for that day.
Upon the boss’s return, Andy takes to the stage, goes up to the mic, and says “G’day everyone. As you all know there’s a special lottery draw tonight, so I thought you might be interested in the winning numbers.” He then lists the numbers he wrote down.
A few people start to inspect their tickets, and so does his boss. The boss becomes really quiet, turns pale and starts breathing rapidly. After a few minutes, he gulps down a pint of lager, stands up and shouts out:
“Listen you fools. I’ve been sleeping with my secretary, gorgeous Suzy here, for months. I hate you and I hate this company. I just won the bloody Australian Powerball, so I don’t give a toss. I’m leaving!”
Take a Fiver
A husband comes home early from work and he asks his wife “What would you do if I told you I’d won the lottery?”
His wife replies “I’ll take half of your winnings and leave!”
The husband responds “Well I just won 10 quid, so take a fiver and leave!”
A Flea Can Dream
Two fleas bump into each other after not having met for ages.
“I just won the La Primitiva Jackpot!”
“What will you do with all that money?”
“I’m going to get myself a nice new pack of dogs!”
Morgan Freeman’s Free Lottery Tips
Natasha had just seen her Essex tanning salon gone bankrupt. Distraught, she walks into her local parish church, kneels down and starts to pray.
“Dear Lord, my situation’s on top. I know haven’t been perfect or anyfink, but I could really use a lottery win. You gotta help me out here.”
When she doesn’t win the National Lottery EuroMillions that week she opts to pray in a synagogue. “Oh come on, yeah. I really need this cash mate! Me mom’s got her surgery coming up. Please lemme win the lottery.”
In the following week she still doesn’t win a thing, so she goes into a Buddhist temple. “You’re startin’ to disappoint me here. I’ve been praying non-stop for weeks now. Just let me win sumfink, alright? Standard, I don’t even have to win like a super high jackpot or anyfing, just gimme enough for that surgery thing I was tellin’ ya about. I’ll even donate some on Red Nose Day this year.”
Out of the blue the heavens open up and Morgan Freeman descends. With a booming voice he says: ”Look Tash, I heard you, but just go and buy a damn lottery ticket!”
Logic – Stop Lining the Wrong Pockets
So you don’t like it that by buying lottery tickets you support healthcare, schools and sports clubs? Why don’t you just put your money in a mutual fund and support investment advisors and fund managers’ pension schemes?